Written by Adam Markiewicz
“Christmas” has basically become its own musical genre at this point. Everyone from pop stars to rap artists to metal bands have recorded a Christmas song at one time or another. Elvis recorded an entire album of Christmas tunes you can fall asleep to with the whole family. You can celebrate the birth of the King of Kings with the King himself. Or you can pop in the Twisted Sister Christmas album and head bang next to the Christmas tree. There’s yuletide tunes for all tastes, and entire library of holiday hits. But with hits, you also get misses.
And so, now that a lame introduction has been established, I take you now to my personal list of most hated Christmas songs. I would like to make note that this is based purely on my own personal tastes. You may feel some of these songs aren’t deserving of hatred, or that there are other songs you hate more. But I don’t care what you think, because this is opinion, and opinion based on taste is completely subjective, you asshole.
Anyway, onto the list.
5. Santa Baby
There are many versions of this song, and they all suck. They all seem to feature a woman doing her worst “pouty baby voice” thing. Because babies are sexy? Does Santa like sexy babies? Will he be a sugar daddy to a woman willing to be his sexy baby? Because she seems to be willing to do anything if Santa gets her all the useless crap she wants so badly.
There’s an episode of “Community” that features a parody of this song, and ends with the line “boop-y doop-y doop boop SEX!” That about sums it up.
4. Wonderful Christmas Time
I should mention first that I’m a big Beatles fan. However, that doesn’t often translate to loving things the Beatles did after they split up. In particular, I’ve enjoyed some of Paul McCartney’s solo work, but he has a well known tendency to get very schmaltzy, and this song is a prime example. My assumption is that he had just bought a synthesizer, started messing around with it, came up with a song, and added lyrics about Christmas because it was December. However, it will put you to sleep faster than milk and cookies, so it at least serves some purpose.
3. Happy Xmas (War is Over)
The other half of the main Beatles song writing team gives in to his worst tendencies with this song. Do you like Christmas? Do you think it’s a happy time? Well, here’s John Lennon to make you feel like shit for not already feeling like shit about how shitty the world is. But, much like McCartney’s sleep inducing number, this song does have a secondary use; just throw this ditty on when the party’s over and you want to clear everyone out.
2. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
This is kind of funny when you’re 5. When you turn 6, you realize it’s kind of lame. By the time you’re 7, you’re already too old for this song. Mainly because you have enough of an attention span to listen to more than just the first line of the chorus, and you realize this is a boring song, a true novelty trotted out every year to amuse very small children and people with low IQs.
1. Feliz Navidad
The loop that never ends. I don’t know the actual length of this song. I just know it’s the same exact thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It’s out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop until it wishes you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of its heart. Hell is never escaping this song.
Happy Life Day.